Midnight Musings of Hermione Granger
by JMLuna
Summary: Set during fifth year. Late one night Hermione sits in the common room wondering if she should settle for Ron or proclaim her feelings for Harry while possibly losing him. No longer One-shot. May continue. Warning to Ron fans. Doesn't show him favorably.
1. Midnight Musings

The night seemed like a Van Gogh painting eerie and just a little bit surreal as Hermione sat in the big red chair in the common room that faced the window. It was the farthest from the fireplace but she barely felt the chill. Hermione upheld the rules like they were from Merlin himself and near revered authority. Why shouldn't she? They obviously were extremely knowledgeable to have gotten their position, they deserved respect. Yet after yesterday, it was all she could do to not to have Dobby help her put a certain nasty little potion in Umbridge's tea during lunch. She'd make it up to him; he always did like her knitted clothes.

Professor… She scuffed at having to use that word with someone who was so obviously unsuited for such a position. Even Professor Snape who she plainly disliked had the obvious credentials for his position even if his personality lacked what it took to be a teacher like McGonagall. But professor Umbridge, she loathed the woman. It wasn't just the fact that she couldn't learn to her full potential due to her idiotic educational decrees but what she had done to Harry was unforgivable. How dare she use a blood quill on her best friend? If she didn't know about the priori incantum she'd have half a mind to hex her into oblivion. That was why potions where always best. A potion could never be traced back to the maker and rarely to the giver unless there was some obvious clue.

If she hadn't known that essence of murtlap would have soothed his cuts from the horrid quill she'd have lost it. She wasn't quite sure she hadn't lost it. When she saw the evidence of his detention she thought she would hyperventilate until she passed out. Fortunately she was able to calm herself with no one being the wiser. She knew people would be shocked if they knew her thoughts as they thought her an uptight, rule abiding, bookworm. She supposed she could be described that way to a certain extent but she preferred to think she was proper not uptight. There was a time and a place for everything and school was not a place for foolishness.

Although Harry always seemed to override her most ingrained rules. She smiled when her thoughts turned to him but immediately frowned. He was the reason for so many of her changes. She was called the smartest witch of her generation by many although she always thought it was more application than actual knowledge; anyone could have grades as high as her if they just studied. And while she prided herself in her knowledge she could honestly say there was one thing she was utterly and completely stupid in…love.

How she did not see it before she had no idea when it was so plainly starring at her in her face. She was in love with her best friend. Not the red headed food disposal that everyone thought she would end up with. She was in love with her green eyed, dark haired, sometimes angst ridden best friend. When he had saved her from the troll in the first year she had developed a bit of hero worship which she was thankfully ridded of in her second year.

When she found out about the bars in his room after second year, she put quite a bit of clues together and her heart ached to get him out of those peoples clutches and into a normal, loving environment only to have her claims refuted by the headmaster. She fumed a bit after that but decided that if he couldn't leave she would just have to show him that someone cared; her. Sometimes she would bollocks it all up going overboard trying to help him only to seem like she didn't believe in him, or trust him but she infinitely did more than anyone else. She just didn't know how else to help, he was so utterly Gryffindor at times acting without planning and she didn't want to see him hurt.

Hermione sighed.

She knew that socially she was a bit awkward even before Hogwarts she had no friends and she thanked Merlin for the opportunity to come here but she couldn't change her dynamics. It was who she was. So she alienated her best friend, and the one guy she truly loved. People would again be shocked to know it was Harry and not Ron whom she fancied, their arguments seeming like sexual tension. Honestly, why anyone would think it was sexy to be made fun of and hurt was beyond her. She doubted they would even be friends if it weren't for Harry.

She was smart. She knew better than to fall for a guy who would always make her cry but the guy she wanted would never want her back. How would he? She could never help but question him even when she always supported him. Perhaps, he needed someone like Ginny. Someone who would always put his wants first, someone who would never doubt him, someone who would worship the ground he walked on. It would be such a one-sided relationship.

Ginny only loved the idea of him, the-boy-who-lived not the boy who has nightmares almost every night, the boy who's guilt eats at him constantly, the boy who is a bit thinner than he should be, the boy who hates the spot light and attention, the boy who thinks of others before himself, the boy who doubts that he deserves happiness. But if anyone deserved full support, even if it was slightly obsessive and very two dimensional, it was him. It would be a complete 160 from his life growing up where he was treated like something at the bottom of a shoe.

There was also the fact that he would never see how utterly devoted she was to him, he would never like her. She had a brain which she loved using but she wasn't like the other girls. She wasn't exotic like Cho, wasn't curvy like Lavender, wasn't gorgeous like Ginny. She was plain; bushy mostly unmanageable hair, so pale she could barely tan and while her buck teeth had been fixed her body was still a bit more willowy than curvy without the benefit of the added height.

She remembered third year her feelings were becoming more pronounced, she filed them under crush and ignored them, diving into Buckbeaks defense. Then the ride on the Hippogriff behind Harry while holding onto him could help cast away a hundred dementors, her heart soared just as they did. She hadn't told anyone but that ride with Harry had cured her of her fear of flying.

Then fourth year no one not even Ron believed Harry. She was amazed that she didn't curse him for being such a jealous git. How he could even think after all the years he had known Harry that he would want the attention she did not know. How could he not see that he would give all his money and fame to have his family back? That year could have been one of the best of her lives even with the added fear and stress; Harry and she had become so close. And when he disappeared with the cup she was sure her heart stopped. She had to sit down and put her head between her legs before she passed out. She had never felt such utterly mind gripping fear, such complete despair even when facing those dementors with Harry.

Now she had to figure out if she should take the risk of losing her most important friend by proclaiming her feelings to him when she was sure he barely even saw her and losing a major part of herself along with him. Or settling for the only one who would ever want her even if she could never love him as her heart was already given. Should she make-due with her insensitive friend? It was not like she could do better. Would these feelings eat at her if not released or could she sacrifice her happiness for Harry?

She knew she could sacrifice anything for Harry even her own life. Wasn't choosing Ron just a form of that sacrifice? Could she pass day after day seeing him with someone else, doing the things she wished to be doing with him while her heart was shred to pieces? She knew she could do anything for him but should she? Hermione gave another sigh as she stood, wiping a traitorous tear that rolled down her cheek and stood. She walked towards the girls' dormitories knowing that she wasn't going to make a decision that would affect the rest of her life in one night.


	2. The List

Authors Note: I know this chapter is quite short. I was going to leave it a one shot and possibly continue into a short story but the Hermione in my brain decided she's a list kind of girl and she couldn't possibly decided anything so important without one. I don't know if this will be the last chapter of this story.

It was a week later and much to Hermione's annoyance she had yet to figure out what to do. The big question was, could she be happy with Ron? Therefore while everyone was off enjoying their weekend she was in the library fretting. It wasn't as if she was missing much. It was raining outside and Harry and Ron were currently in the common room while Ron trounced Harry at chess once more. So she went off to the library, her official excuse being researching how to make sure the members of the Defense Association they would be trying to start as soon as they could would not let anyone outside the group know.

It was necessary since Umbridge decided that groups not approved by her were against the rules. While she was researching spells and charms for the parchment enrolling members would sign; her real excuse was a list. She was quite excited about the study group though; she didn't want to fail her NEWTS after all. That just wouldn't do! Finally she would get practical experience. Theory was all good and well but without practicing the theory then nothing would come from it. And it was not like her as a muggle-born could get any practice at home with the underage magic decree. It was quite inconvenient but she just bet that was why they made that rule in the first place. How it got to her that people could use rules in such a horrid way. Rules were supposed to be made for the betterment of people!

She best not think of such things before she gets carried away in her anger. The list was waiting. It was a very important list in her opinion. She would do what she did best; organize. She would organize and compose a list of the Pros and Cons of both boys and see if that helped her. Hermione got out her quill and after charming the paper so no one but her could read it; she started writing.

**RON**

**Pros**

Sometimes funny

Would always NEED me

Cute

Fancies her

Smart enough to be good at chess

Knows(NOW) that he needs her help

Found her pretty at the ball

**Cons**

Constantly fights with her

Says hurtful things

Ghastly table manners

Hates reading

Is obsessed with Quidditch

Is Lazy

Is jealous

**HARRY**

**Pros**

Sweet

Caring

Handsome

Doesn't make fun of me

Puts others first

Appreciates my help

Understands me with just a look

Makes her heart race

**Cons**

Often angst ridden

Mood swings

Martyr complex

Never puts HER first

Rarely takes my side

Has a million wand wielding fan girls who'd do anything to have him (detrimental to health).

Fancies my opposite (Cho).

Takes me for granted

Hermione glared at the paper as if it had done some grave injustice to her and huffed. She didn't think that helped at all! She stuffed the offending piece of paper in her into one of her books, thought about stuffing her books into her back-pack but hated to possibly ruin a perfectly good book therefore carefully put them in her bag and walked out of the library.


	3. The Reasons

Authors note: It's time to tell the lovely people who are following this story what will be its fate….. This part is done but… Yes, there's a but. Hermione just would not let me let this be the end. If I had decided to keep cannon*shudders* I would just have her decide to get with Ron due to her insecurities but my Hermione; not the Hermione that Rowling threw at us after she gave her a lobotomy, my Hermione needs to work through her self-esteem issues. As this story was originally to be a one-shot about why I thought Hermione chose Ron, if I continued here the title wouldn't make sense and I quite like the title.

So the next story will be about Hermione overcoming her issues and will most definitely be H/Hr. I just have one question for my lovely readers. Due to the fact that the pairings aren't cannon this will be AU although it will follow cannon events; my dilemma is since it will already be AU, to save Sirius or to let him die? Leave me a reply with your choice and I will count the votes and the one with the most votes gets chosen.

Also, the poem below was written by me specifically for this story but I claim copyright as I do with the story. If anything in my story makes the plot bunnies hop please follow them but please do not plagiarize. Thank you.

A harried Hermione arrived late to History of Magic class later that week. Professor Binns droned on and on not even noticing the disturbance. The few who were awake gave her shocked looks.

Ron was the most noticeable with his mouth open wide as he stared at her. "Bloody hell, Hermione late…"

Hermione glared at Ron as she sat behind her boys. "Language Ron!" She whispered in an annoyed tone as she took out her quill and parchment.

"But…"

She didn't even let him finish the sentence. "Honestly Ron, it's only ten minutes. Now be quiet so I can take notes."

Ron gave Harry a look which Harry answered with shrug.

Minutes slowly ticked by the Professor reciting his lecture on another Goblin war in his slow monotone. She wandered if he was this boring when he was alive. Yes she, Hermione Granger admitted that Professor Binns bored her to near tears. She loved history and the history of the Wizarding World was fascinating but Professor Binns could make a roller coaster unexciting.

Of course, that did not excuse not paying attention. If only she could listen to herself but her mind lately had its own ideas over what she should be using it for. Making sure no one was looking she took out the journal she's been using to analyze her decision better and she put it over her History of Magic book which was open and leaning on the edge of the table facing her.

**REASONS I LOVE HARRY**

He takes away the hurt

He makes me smile

He makes me laugh

He makes me feel

When I hug him it feels… right.

When we touch it's like an electric current has entered my body.

He understands me

He helps me let go

I could be happy with only having him (And few thousand books but that goes without saying)

He makes the world fade away with one look

He knows how to calm me

**REASONS HARRY WOULD NEVER LOVE ME**

I'm plain

My hair is a bushy mess

I'm not sporty

I pester him too much

Been known to be an "insufferable know it all"

I over analyze and over think everything

I'm not that good at social settings

I don't have enough to give

"Hermione!" A voice brought her out of her thoughts. She jumped and slammed her books shut then looked up.

"Yes, Ronald?" She asked.

"Merlin Herms, we've been calling you for five minutes."

"Don't call me Herms!"

"Well if you want to be late for our next class…again."

Hermione rushed to put everything away with Harry and Ron starring after her. "What are you waiting for? Let's go!" She yelled as she sprinted out the door.

"I'll be right behind you. " Harry told Ron as a leather-bound book caught his eyes. Ron nodded and followed Hermione.

Classes came and went and midnight soon approached once more with Hermione loosing another night's sleep in the common room, looking out as the stars sparkled like diamonds. A noise made her look behind her.

"Harry." She whispered. "Nightmare?"

He shook his head. "I've had some thinking to do." He said as he sat across from her.

She looked at him, trying to decipher his expression but it wasn't one she'd come across before. "Well if you need to talk about it I'm here."

"I know…Hermione, can I ask you something."

"Of course. Anything Harry."

"Do you think friends can ever become more?"

Hermione bit her bottom lip trying to keep the heartbroken expression from her face. He was going to ask her advice on some girl who would never be good enough for him and only saw his fame and money.

"Of course Harry." She said with a smile. "My parents were very good friends before they married. They met right before they started University and as they were going to have their majors in common got along quite well. Mum always says that the best relationships come from the couple being friends first."

"What if it ruins the friendship?"

"Well as long as neither cheat nor do anything untoward then I don't see why it would. I mean it would be worse to forever be wondering, I suppose."

"Hermione."

"Yes, Harry?"

He pulled something out from behind her and handed it to her. At first she was confused, until she saw her name in runes on the front.

She gasped and her complexion paled. "Oh, Harry…I…I'm so sorry." She ran towards the stairs leading to the girls' dormitory, eyes shining. She ran until she was in her dormitory and flung herself onto her bed, all her emotions boiling over like a cauldron left unsupervised.

Hermione was gone before he was even able to utter a word. Harry ran a hand through his hair in confusion. He stayed in the same spot, taking out a page he had ripped out even though he knew he shouldn't have and read again.

**UNTITLED**

Falling into the depths of

Eyes like emeralds

Bore into my soul

Makes itself home

In my heart

Falling into the hearth of

Green fire

Warming the depths of me

Falling in love with

Heart of a lion

Soul of an angel

How could I resist

An addiction so divine

All my knowledge

Hasn't prepared me for this

How could I have known

It'd become so hard to breathe

HJP


	4. Realization

Authors Note: Okay, I was going to wrap it up with the last chapter because it was at midnight and I wanted to keep with the title but Cateagle is right, to perfectly wrap this story Harry and Hermione need to have it out then the next continuing on with them trying to solve their issues. So, cookies to Cateagle for rightfully pointing that out. Thanks! Alex: I completely agree that it was horrible of Rowling to kill off the closest thing he had to a parental figure but then would Sirius have stood by while his Godson ended up with a fan girl? I think that was her purpose. She couldn't have him screwing up where she wanted the story to go.

This was going to be the first chapter of the next story but will now be the ending of this one. Now, on with the show!

She wasn't sure how she had gotten through the next few days. She had somehow been able to avoid both Harry and Ron as where Ron was so would Harry be. Classes were uncomfortable which was mind boggling considering her love of lessons. Then there was the fact that the stress was taking its toll on her, having her going to Madam Pomfrey for headache remedy often and barely eating. But that wasn't the worst thing; the worst was that not speaking to Harry felt so wrong, she felt so utterly alone again. Her dorm mates could never fill the place of her closest friends; she had nothing in common with the two gossiping teens.

She walked the grounds, unconsciously moving past Hagrid's Hut and towards the lake. The sun was beginning to set; purples, pinks and oranges melding into each other making it impossible to decipher where one began and one ended. She was so annoyed with herself; her and her idiotic lists just ruined the best thing in her life. How she wished she could be normal; life would be so easy if her biggest worry was which color lipstick to wear for the day or which boy was currently unattached. She snorted. Her brain would boycott if she left it to gather cobwebs.

Without any notice a hand was placed on her shoulders and proceeded to turn her around. Her eyes widened as she saw the one person she was trying to avoid. She couldn't even hide properly.

"You're not leaving until we discuss this." Harry said, blocking her path.

Hermione glared. "I can very well do what I like Harry James Potter!"

"We can't go on like this. It feels horrible to have you not talking to me. I even miss the homework nagging." He told her as his hands raked through his hair in frustration. "I miss my best friend."

She almost smiled but stood her ground. "Ron's your best friend!"

"He is but you're my best girl..Err..female friend."

"Oh, Harry I ruined everything. There's nothing to talk about. I already know what you will say."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well since you know everything why don't you tell me what I'll be saying then?"

She turned her back to him, facing the lake once more. "How I'm like your sister; your plain, know-it-all sister and you care about me but could never see me as someone you could have feelings for." She sniffed as tears threatened to fall.

"Well… It seems I'm not only a git but a stupid one then."

She turned back to face him, her brows furrowed in confusion.

"Hermione… I… Well…I like you." He mumbled, blushing a bit.

"Well obviously, we wouldn't be friends otherwise. Now get to the part where you let me down easily so I can get on and head to dinner." She said, trying to look anywhere but at him knowing even before she looked into his eyes she wouldn't win that battle and sighed. She looked back down as the knot in her throat tried to overwhelm her. "Please...just don't… I know you Harry. You feel this is somehow your fault and feel obligated to do something to fix it but it isn't. I feel in… I fell all by myself knowing full well the feelings wouldn't be returned."

He gave her a frustrated look and grabbed a hold of her shoulder as he did away with the space between them and pressed his lips onto hers, his other hand cupping her face. When his lips left hers she felt completely, utterly breathless. His forehead was pressed onto hers as they remained in the same position. When she finally opened her eyes his eyes penetrated into hers, the intimate look making her shiver. They stood there for what seemed like an eternity until her look turned into one of confusion once more.

"Harry…what? how? why?"

"Hermione, for someone who is the smartest witch of the generation you're being extremely dim."

"Well you needn't insult me! You kissed me!"

"Because it was the best way I could show you I fancied you and you still didn't get it. I know I'm slow when it comes to females but I thought even that would be obvious."

She was about to go on a tirade when his words sank in. "Oh… you… me? Really?" She asked still not believing his words.

He grinned at her and pulled her to him again, determined to show her how serious he was as the sky shed its skin once more and the stars sparkled and danced under a bright half moon, everything forgotten but each other.


End file.
